Don't Put Others Before Yourself DO you care for yourself wel し or d0 you see the other person's needs as 1 れ ore important your When you care for yourself and begin from strength you Will have 1 れ ore energy tO care for another person ⅲ a relationship. Caring for yourself well is strength, not weakness. Just because you could dO SO much for another person doesn't mean you should. You must keep some energy for yourself. Sometimes caring for yourself means say- ing tO someone YOLI love. "Your first love needs t0 be 0f self. Without that you have very little to give. " Jenny

Understand Yourself First Take time to understand yourself first. Most women don't think their own needs and feelings are important. lt takes time and effort to get to know yourself well. Think about what you want and how you feel. Take care that you dO not let your thoughts and actions about another person pull you ahead of getting to know yourself first. The more you know and like your- self, the more chance the relationship has of success. Your partner will want tO get tO know whO you are, SO it is important tO have taken the time tO work that out and tO be clear about whO you are and what you want. When you share this with another person they will be meeting the real you, the true you. 13

3 ス Learn From Each Other Throughout your life you will learn and go on learn- ing. Everythmg you do gives you a chance t0 learn more about yourself. Being ⅲ a relationship is a great way tO learn about yourself because when you are close tO another person you notice things about them and you that are worth thinking about. You will always learn from each other in relationships. You will notice things that happen and think about your feelings about these things. You may think about what you could dO better next time and if you are brave enough, you can change the way you d0 things for the better. This is hOW you learn from another person; by notic- ing your feelings and then changing the way you d0 things. 48

30 ・ Show Compassion Compassion iS showing care and kindness tO another person rather than being hard or distant and judging others ⅲ a hard way. lt shows that you have a kind heart. Compassion for another person is finding the strength tO care about them even when they have done something wrong, bad, or hurtful without thinking of you or Of Others. Compassion guides you tO listen tO the other person and discuss their problems. Listening and really hearing can help you to understand them and to think kindly of them. Don' t try to help them to find an an- swer t0 their problem; only they can do that. Listening with your heart open is the valuable thing t0 d0 for them and for you. Compassion is also about being kind to yourself as well as being kind to the other person. 41

13 ・ Open Your Heart Many women are afraid to open their heart and trust another person just in case they are hurt. The risk may seem to be high; if you love someone, you take the risk 0f being hurt or rejected. Some people ask us what it is like to really open your heart tO someone. Adrienne told us this story. "To open my heart for me is like when my four-year-old niece comes running up the stairs to say, 'Hi. ' I see her and my heart is full of love and happiness. That to me is opening my heart. To just feel open and loving and not expect anything in return. ' Opening your heart tO love and another person takes courage. There is always a risk that love will not suc- ceed and you will be hurt, but falling in love without opening your heart is like having sushi without wasabi. One doesn't really work without the other. 20

41 ・ Listen CarefuIIy Before You Speak Your mind can bring up thoughts and p icture s much faster than YOLI words. iS one reason that you might find it hard to listen fully when another person is talking. Your mind can easily move to other thoughts while the other person is speaking. Your mind can start tO think about what you will have for lunch or what you will do when you get back to work. lt is very easy for you to start to think ahead while another person is speaking. lt is easy to think of what you might say next after the other person has finished talking and it is your turn to speak. Thinking too far ahead shows a lack of respect for the other person. Listen carefully and seek to understand the other person and it will show care that honors them. The other person can sense if you are not listen- ing carefully. When you listen with care it helps to make a close and positive relationship. Take special care tO listen tO your partner. 52

36. Let Go Of Control Most people d0 not like being told what t0 d0. When you tell someone what t0 d0 you may be trying t0 control them rather than w anting the best for them. Controlling another person' s actions and thoughts by trying to get them t0 act or think differently will not be successful ⅲ the long term. When one person tries tO control the Other, this makes a problem in the relationship. One person will be unhappy that the other person will not do what they ask and the other person will be unhappy that they are not trusted t0 make good choices. Ask for the things you need in a relationship without trying tO control what the Other person says or does. This way, if the person does what you ask, they d0 it because they are free tO dO it, not because you are trying tO control their actions and thoughts. lt is not possible tO control another person; if you try, you will make them and yourself very unhappy ・ 47

24 ・ Ask Questions Learn tO ask questions about your partner. ShOW a real interest in what he thinks and feels. Don't be afraid t0 ask. Some people don't find it easy t0 ask their boyfriend or partner about themselves. If you are one Of these people, make the effort t0 d0 this. Ask questions such as, "What are you feeling now?" or "What is happen- ing right now for you?" or "Can I help you with any- thing?" Then listen t0 his answer. Really listen. Don't start asking another question or make a comment. Wait and listen to him with all your heart. Learn to proceed quietly and be a loving, listenmg per- son. Grow your understanding, grow your friendship, and this will grow your love. 2 33

26. Be Yourself ln Your Relationship Sometimes people try tO act like something or someone they are not. Don't try t0 pretend that you are like another person. That is hard to keep up and you d0 yourself harm by trying ・ Keep explaining your values, your thoughts t0 your partner. Your values and thoughts are very important as they become whO you are. You don't have tO agree with the Other person's values and thoughts to have a happy relationship. B ut you need tO express your values and beliefs tO give the other person the chance tO understand whO and what you are, even if they don't agree with you. You also need tO think about hOW you can accept their values even if you don't agree with them. 35

19 ・ Understand Each Other Everyone is different. There are no two people wh0 have the same likes or the same dislikes. Each person has had their own life which is different from everyone else's. Your partner or boyfriend will probably have had a very different life than you. Sometimes that is just the thing that brings you together in the first place. The only way you can learn to understand about another person is tO ask them about themselves and tO really listen to them when they tell you. Try t0 picture what their life has been like and understand where they have come from. When you listen tO someone with all your attention you will understand them bet- ter and they will respect you more. They in turn may listen tO you more when you choose tO speak. 0 28 0 0