Fate is often a word used to explain something that has happened that seems tO be out Of your control. Fate is the idea of something happening that is bigger or better than your own free will. Some people leave their wh01e lives up t0 fate and some leave their love lives up tO fate... Others believe they control their lives through free will. Get to know which Of these two you use and trust. Tuck, a young woman ⅲ her 20 ' s, talked about fate and her boyfriend. "When I met him, I knew it was fate. I wasn't meant tO be at the bus stop. lt wasn't a bus stop I had ever been to before. I was there because I was late and a friend dropped me there to catch my bus and I started talking tO this man because he was waiting for a bus there also. SO I met my boyfriend because of fate, SO the relationship must have been meant tO happen. Fate can be things happening that are out 0f the ordi- nary or happy accidents or something that seems really unusual. These things that are called fate can lead t0 happy relationships sometimes, sometimes not. Fate may draw you together in the first place, but your free will tO act and react in certain ways will be what keeps you together. 15

8 & Do You Get Too Stressed? DO you sometimes feel stressed out? DO you worry about things in your life that you can do nothmg about? DO you feel negative sometimes? Or worry about work, family and friends? Are you afraid to meet new people sometimes? DO you sometimes feel worried about the future? If any of these things happen to you there is something you can do t0 help yourself. Try t0 think about the good things that happen around you, not just the nega- tive things. DO one small thing at a time and be happy to do that. Relax your thinking as well as your body. Talk to someone you trust about your feelings and fears or write a journal or a diary about hOW you feel. Think most about the present, not the past or the fu- ture. You may like tO exercise more, or walk every day. These are all good ways to start feeling good about yourself. 104

引・ Keep Alive A Strong Vision For Your Love Very Often love starts out being exciting, fresh, new, fun and it can sometimes go on like this. lt can be far t00 easy t0 take the other person's love for granted. If this happens, there is a risk that the love loses its energy and the relationship loses its hope for the future. There are lots of ways to keep your love strong and healthy for the future and one of these is to keep alive a strong ViSion for your love. A ViSion or picture Of the future as you would like it to be, of you and your partner. Showing your love and friendship and enjoying each Other is an example Of a good vision for the future. Share your vision with your partner. Talk with him about how he feels about your vision. Ask him if he shares this vision.Keep your ViSion fresh and alive. 42

20. Grow The Relationship when you are love and love iS new, there can be a feeling that life is moving quickly and everything is rushing forward. There can be much excitement in your heart and your mind, and this is great. But it is very easy tO let this excitement carry you along without thinking ab out where the relationship is going and how it is tO be carried forward. When thi s happens to you, think about what you and your partner can dO tO grow the relationship together. Think about asking your new partner to discuss and plan things to gether and find shared goals. Let him know the things that are important t0 you. Help him tO understand your needs, and learn hOW tO ask him tO understand your needs. Talk together about growing the friendship between you. These things will help you and your partner to grow your new relationship. 29

66. Freedom Of Choice There may come a time when you feel you have done everything you can in a relationship and it just does not seem tO be working. If you have put the time and effort intO your relation- ship and done everything you can t0 make it work, if your partner does not want tO change and if you are always unhappy, you have three choices. 1. You can choose to change your thoughts about what you want from your partner and the rela- tionship. 2. You can accept whO and what your partner is. 3. You can leave the relationship. If you are worried about your relationship, give careful thought tO these three choices. 80

4 ス Accept Differing ldeas And BeIiefs DO you and your partner have different ideas and beliefs? If you do then you are like most people ⅲ rela- tionships. lt is common in relationships tO have beliefs and thoughts that are different from your partner. lt is easy t0 get caught up with the thoughts and beliefs that you do not share rather than with all the thoughts and beliefs that you do share—there are probably more of the latter than you think. Accept that the differences between people add to the pleasure and richness of life. This is especially impor- tant in a rela tionship. Look at the ideas and beliefs that you share and build on these. This way the relationship can grow and become stronger and this can lead to a healthy love. 58

44 ・ Look For Things You Really Like About Each Other lt is easy to be hurt by small things that your partner does. Thinking t00 much about these things can make you very unhappy. If you are not careful, bad feelings about small things can come t0 be what you think about most Of the time. Don' t spend t00 much time thinking about all the small things that are bad about your partner. Balance this by thinking ab out what you re ally like and love about him. There will be much more that you like than you dislike. Right now, think about three things that he does that are kind or are nice for you. Learn t0 balance the small bad things with the good things he does. Learn to accept the small things because that is what they are … small things. 55

Moving Forward When difficult times come up in a relationship it can be easy to either blame yourself for being the cause of the problem, or blame your partner. The truth is that one person alone iS never responsible for a problem between two people; mostly, problems arise with each person playing some part ⅲ making the problem. When there's a problem, first try to think of what part you have played ⅲ creating it. Be truthful but don't overstate your part. If you blame yourself for every- thing you will be t00 hard on yourself and take away from your self-esteem. If you blame your partner for all of the problems in the relationship you will take away any chance of you both talking through the problem. Be prepared to accept that you have probably added to whatever difficulties you are having in your relation- ship and accept that you can talk with your partner about these difficulties as a step along the path to growing together. 66

4 ・ What Men Want lt is impossible tO understand what goes on in some- one else's mind. Women Often try tO guess what men want, without asking them. Never try tO guess what a man might want in a relationship. If you are ⅲ a relationship or starting a relationship, ask him. Ask gently, let him know that you care about him and wish tO care for his needs. Many men are not very confident about relationship s and dO not have a clear idea about what they want. Most men will welcome being asked and will welcome the opportunity to talk about their needs. Such discus- sion may alSO start him talking about your needs in a relationship. There is no one answer tO the question about what men want. Many things are written and said about what men want, especially ⅲ popular magazines and on TV. Most of these things are wrong. Every man is different and every man's needs are different. Try not tO listen tO talk about what men want from 0ther people or from TV or magazines. If you need t0 know what your man wants, ask him. 9

89. Nurture A Healthy Self-image Your self-image is how you see yourself. This is dif- ferent from how you feel about yourself, which is self- esteem. ls your self-view real about the whole 0f you —your skills at work, how you 100k , your relationship skills, your energy, your goals, your friendliness and your compassion? To help you develop a realistic self-image, write two lists. Write one with your strengths (things you are good (t) and one with your weaknesses (things you would like t0 change or d0 better). When you start, the weaknesses list is likely to be longer than the strengths. When you really think about yourself you will be surprised t0 find that there are so many strengths, so many good things about you. Don't overlook things you might think are small; it is strength t0 be able t0 d0 your work well, keep your home ⅲ good order, tO be a good friend tO someone' tO be kind to a pet, t0 tell the truth. Think about these strengths every day as this builds a healthy and realistic self-image that will help you to feel good about yourself. 105